Saturday, 11 March 2017

Who I Am vs Who I Was - Truth About My Real Self

So, this past month marked two major milestones. The second is will be surprising to many, but wasn't too my mother, which was the biggest surprise ever.

I no longer meet the criteria for a BPD diagnosis. This is a huge milestone in my recovery, so much so that in going back to college as an infill student to do my Maths and English National 5s to go into a traditional university. I'm looking forward to the twists and turns that life will throw at me.

Another milestone is that I came out to my mother and a friend of mine. I am pansexual. I always have been. Ever since I can remember. But, life as a Christian meant I had to suppress that part of me and outright reject it. To the point where I was spouting some really offensive things at college (when asked) about how Christianity sees LGBT+.
I had to suppress that part of me as God knows what could have happened, especially with some very devout Christians who wanted me to quit therapy due to mindfulness being utilised and to stop listening to Christian Rock.
So, I tried to keep it under wraps and tried to get rid of it. Thing is, you can't. I can't.
I'm the way I am, and that won't change. No, this isn't mental illness. No, I'm not possessed by demons. No, I'm not making it up. I am who I am.

One of the reasons why I wear whole spectrum loom bands and include pink in them is because I have respect for Christianity and how it sees people like me. It's okay to believe what your believe. And, what we as gay/lesbian/bi/transgender/pansexual etc ask for its respect. You don't have to agree with our sexuality, and, all we ask for respect and acceptance. See us as the friends, family work colleagues and acquaintances that we are. As individuals with our own set of unique personalities, successes, problems, failures and experiences. We are more than just our sexuality. That is part of who we are, but not all of who we are.

And I am more than my sexuality. Here's who I am now:
Sensitive (but not easily offended)
Highly emotional (but not emotionally dysregulated)
Encouraging (at least as much as possible)
Science orientated
Enjoying life
Slightly self critical
Protective of friends and family

Here's who I was when I was a Christian:
Upset easily
Always hiding myself
Always wanted to blend in
Submissive (I'd do everything just to keep friends)
Sensitive (and easily offended)
Believed everything in the Bible, and followed it blindly without questioning
Self Harming
Emotionally dysregulated
Scared of being abandoned and clung onto toxic relationships
Afraid to speak my mind and stand up for myself
Hiding how I felt for the fear of people telling me off for it

Do you see how different I am? It's not just because I'm no longer a Christian, but also through therapy and learning how to regulate my emotions and learning to be my authentic self, and rocking who I am with confidence. I am no longer obsessed with keeping toxic relationships going, but cutting ties with confidence and being able to separate myself from toxic and malfunctioning or dead relationships. I have power to follow my own destiny, and not the Bible's and people's "advice" on how my life should be. I stand up for myself and my rights, and for others rights.

I am completely different to who I used to be, and I've changed for the better, not worse. I now feel confident enough to come out to say that I'm pansexual, and I don't feel scared of the implications anymore, because I have nothing to be afraid of.

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